Putting in the Work; Your Relationship

Dear Lover Man and Woman!

I think every relationship deserves some spice and energy for it to thrive. Now, this is me being practical about how to make intimate relationships work. But it is quite a two-way thing, putting in the work is basically about you and your partner deciding that the thing you both have going on is serious enough to make it work.

Dear friend, I have come to you today with this letter to tell you real life stuff on how you can put in the work in your relationships.

However, before I go on, I wish you are having a good day even with everything happening in your life and in the world. Glad to be here with you at this time, let’s dive.

Putting in the work means making things work, it means doing things to push the relationship forward not because you are forced to, but because you truly want to. It is simply trying to do your best for what you want and desire. It means watering the plant you wish to keep seeing every day. It goes beyond material things and that’s fact, sometimes most people get scared when they hear the word ‘put in the work’ but the truth is that it doesn’t really mean material things, it goes farther than that, it touches so many places like real care and concern, little things, thoughtful things, support in various ways such as times of good and bad.

Being in a relationship isn’t easy, it means work and work requires time and effort. Effort to do the things that matter in your relationship, showing effort to move it forward, showing true affection for the other person, making their personal growth your business and making them special. I have always found that one of the ways to make someone feel special is to make them feel good about themselves.

Putting in the work also means that you are not careless with words that could hurt the other person, it means that you become more intentional about who your significant other is in your life. It means that you simply care enough to make it work.

 However, if reading this letter starts to make you feel pressured to do certain things in anyway, then you may want to ask yourself some questions such as why are you with this person currently, do you still value them or find value in them? Do you still care about them or love them enough? Because, here is the thing, you can’t love someone truthfully and feel pressured to do certain things in order to keep having what you both have.

A friend told me in a discussion that ‘I do it because I want to not because I feel forced to’

That point there sparked something in me to expatiate a little more. Growing up, I cried a lot, I was that child you didn’t want to upset with words. A lot of times I cried because I felt angry that I had to beg or plead for something I wanted. ‘Uncle please, please na’ It kept ringing in my head.

Sometimes, all we do is force people to do certain things for us. Sometimes all we do is put pressure on the other person to be there, to put in the work, to keep it going and flowing. Anything you have to force isn’t worth it.

And that’s why I realized as a grown up that one of the reasons I had to beg so much to get something was because that older person felt I had had too much or didn’t need it. So, it basically wasn’t for me.

If you have to beg for love, care and attention from someone that claims to love you, then he or she isn’t for you.

This friend also said ‘Whatever someone is doing for you in a relationship, you need to try and reciprocate, not necessarily give them exactly what they have given to you, but give something. It could be time, attention, energy, care, gifts, no matter what, no matter how little. Love is about giving and giving isn’t only about material things.

I think what matters mostly is the place from which giving comes from. The intent, the mindset, the thoughtfulness. That is what matters.

So, please don’t expect replicas. Remember one of my letters about how expectations ruin it all? Don’t expect that because you gave 1 kobo, you need to receive 1 kobo.

See: Don't Ruin it with Expectations

Sometimes you may be 70 percent and he is 30 percent. While another time you may be 60 and she is 40. Just like Michelle Obama said.

Putting in the work is for both of you. It is not a one-person thing. If you are reading this and feel you haven’t been putting in the work, I sincerely indulge you to please start now, if you cherish the other person so much, I advise you try and lift the burden they are currently carrying. It is the heavy load of doing all the work themselves. Without support, without a helping hand.

I made a list of some ways to put in the work, it was enormous but I broke it down to tiny bits. Here are some ways to show effort and put in the work in your relationship;

1.     By Prioritizing your partner – Now, I usually prioritize the most important and urgent task in my work schedule and that’s because it needs to be done. So, priority basically means very important, most important, and urgent. It doesn’t mean leftover work, later stuff, tomorrow’s list, it means now.

And that’s why you need to prioritize your relationship if you feel it’s the most valuable and important thing going on in your life. But here is the thing, don’t lose yourself, don’t forget that you have other things going on too, don’t prioritize to fail, healthy relationships that prioritize each other do well by taking care of their personal needs too.

2.     Show Support – Showing support in a relationship to your partner is a way of showing that you care about them and wish to see them win. Support could be in many ways, from their work to their business or their life and re-discovery as a person. Support could be being with them when they have lost something or someone. It could also mean sticking around when they need you the most.

3.     Do things together – One of the ways to a healthy and growing relationship is to do things together. This includes having goals you wish to conquer together. It could be financial goals, Spiritual goals, Mental goals, Societal goals. The list is endless. Why should you have goals? You should because it makes you both grow closer, it teaches you a lot about the other person, their strengths and weaknesses and especially where you need to come in and lend a helping hand.

4.     Surprise them once in a while – Surprises are a great form of expressing love and growing relationship which automatically means putting in the work. Surprises do not need to make you break the bank, or steal. Surprises could come in any form. It is usually not about the amount of what you got, it is about the heart and intention towards it. I have seen someone make albums off childhood pictures of his partner and himself and it just created a special bond between them, the album wasn’t all fancy, it was made from cut out pieces and some DIY (Do it Yourself) technique but it was treasured so much. It felt like gold.

5.     Communication is the bedrock – To put in the work, you need to communicate more often. I mean, what else are you doing without communicating. But I must beg your pardon, communication doesn’t always mean talking, anyone can talk but not everyone can communicate. So, are you communicating? Or are you shouting and nagging and always screaming. Good communication requires good tone of voice, good ability to speak calmly and to portray situations in the best form while including your partner. It also means knowing when to talk about something, good communicators look for when the other person is in a nice mood. So, just talking may be destroying your relationship, but communicating may save it. And communicating shouldn’t be only when you have issues. When last did you speak about your ideologies and interest, your plans for the future, when last did you review a book or movie together, when last did you just do partner chit-chat and gossip, when last did you play games (many people don’t know that it’s a form of communication) When last?

6.     Constant Affection and compliments – What is a relationship without affection? I have watched my mum call my dad ‘precious’ since I was born, I have watched him address her as ‘My Jewel of inestimable value’ I have seen how they just sit and gist in the sitting room and laugh about their past years. Affection is really important, because when it is absent, it creates doubts and unreasonable suspicions in the mind of your partner. Don’t say, ‘oh, I am not the type that likes to compliment or I am not good with words’ Then learn it! Putting in the work also means learning to do certain things especially when words of affirmation is something your partner loves, please don’t deny them. Besides, how did you ask them out or tell them you loved them? I guess you need to use that same energy. Women like to dress up and have their man tell them how beautiful they are, they like to wake up to beautiful text messages, men love when their women call them nice names and praise them, they love when their woman makes their favorite food and say ‘I made your favorite food babe, you know you deserve much more’.

7.     Make time for ‘time out’ – Whether it’s going on a date or hanging out at home doing stuff you both love, making out time for yourself can prove very useful to growing your relationship.

Putting in the work requires so much than all these which I have outlined and trust me, it’s an everyday work. Everyday of your relationship is an opportunity to do it better or do something new to help its growth. Keeping an open mind and being positive about it is quite important too, trying to resolve conflicts that may arise also includes putting in the work.

See: Resolving Conflicts in Your Relationship

However, this is not a map or a ‘you must do this in order to achieve this letter’, it is rather something I wrote from my heart in order to help you and your relationship. You really don’t need to follow it strictly but you can take the points you feel endeared to and make it out to something beautiful.

This letter must end here and I truly hope that putting in the work sounds more fun than tasking or stressful to you after reading this, it is surely something that your relationship needs to keep growing.

If you read this letter till the end and resonated to it, kindly leave me a comment below and tell me what you learnt or how this letter has helped you. Also, keep the energy going by liking, and sharing.

Till next time,

Warm Regards
Amanda Sibi.