IT'S NOT THAT DEEP

Just let it Slide

Being a serious-minded person like myself, it may be difficult to sometimes disregard little things that often tend to trigger my emotions and scratch my throat to reply or confront, I think its something almost everyone is guilty of, taking things out of proportion and not realizing that it isn’t that deep.

Sometimes, we don’t even talk to the person involved before deciding to blow it out of measure or proportion, the truth is they may have done something that is wrong or something that speaks volumes to their character, but it really doesn’t mean that the person is literally even aware of the fact that they have wronged you and you blowing it up also triggers their tendency to not apologize.

Dear friend, I have decided to write to you about this because I know how evident it can be in our daily lives and thought to share my experience and how I dealt with this sort of things, in the end I just realized that it wasn’t that deep in most cases and figured how unhealthy it was for me.

Join me;

I remember an incident in my second year in the university, it was this guy in my department who really loved talking , he decided that he needed to crack me up because he knew that I was always quiet and speaking when necessary, I had just come back to school after the holiday and made my hair in styled braids, colored black mainly because of the law faculty, I have never known how to properly wear makeup so my face just stood out bare and open, he then commented with the words ; wow, is this you? You are so fine, I never really knew because of all the pimples that crowded your face, whatever it is you are doing, continue.

Okay dear, can you just tell me what your reaction what have been like?

Let me tell you about mine, I didn’t say a word, I literally stared at him with disgust and just hissed, he tried to defend his statement and I told him that he should never speak to me in that manner again, explicitly stating that I wasn’t one of the ladies he could disrespect in that regard. The guy stood shocked, wondering what he had done wrong and I was greatly pissed, fuming with almost an unquenchable anger.

I wondered why he would use my acne problem to address me, it was so insensitive and uncalled for, why couldn’t he just compliment and move on or probably not compliment at all. We were not friends and we definitely didn’t talk so why joke about me, especially when I did not consider it as a joke. It meant that he didn’t see me as beautiful before that day and I was unhappy about that fact because I knew that many people complimented me as to my beauty, it was not a question or debate, I am beautiful but here was this young guy saying that I have been unnoticeable to him in regards to beauty because of my acne.

It made me very terribly angry towards him and whenever I see him in class or outside school, I just grew resentful, it became so bad that I started having the fear of seeing him because I truthfully didn’t want an apology or a confrontation.

Then one day, I read in a book that people can make mistakes without knowing especially in their speech and actions, that people generally can be very insensitive towards others even when they give compliments, the author went on to state that sometimes some persons do not even know that they have wronged you or said something distasteful, and that tolerance could cure a whole lot of things without aggravating it or blowing it out of proportion.

I started to ask myself certain questions, like why was I scared of being around this person in class, this person who knows nothing about me, yes, the statement got me offended but this same guy was going on about with his life and I was busy using mine to hate and get angry. I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t that deep, it wasn’t something that I needed to bother my pretty good head about, that it wasn’t my fault that his seeing lens were not functioning properly, and truly it wasn’t my fault.

I also came to believe more in myself and pride in the fact that acne or no acne, I am beautiful and do not need validation from anyone. I mean; who hasn’t suffered from one form of acne or the other. I decided that I would not beat myself up for the mistakes of someone else. So, I let it slide.

I could have blown it out of proportion you know? Confront him and then maybe an argument may begin and people would come to settle the mighty big quarrel; A compliment gone wrong!

Most times the reason why we take things too far is because we have chosen to see it from a blown-up perspective, trust me you won’t see any other thing once you do this, reason will be far from you, you wouldn’t understand that what you have chosen to be bitter about may not be so deep. This is because you have chosen to just see it from the angle that it means so much, that it is a big deal.

However, if you sit back and try to not think about it so much, or not find reason to it, then maybe it won’t affect how you feel or prompt you to take actions that you may later regret. Its all about tolerating people and their many excesses, its about being willing to let go, to forsake arguments, to let it slide, to not be intentional about its meaning.

I can understand that someone can say a really nasty thing but polite diplomatic replies have become my best way of dealing with certain issues, sometimes it’s okay to say; it’s okay. Not because you are stupid but because its not deep enough to warrant your anger, so you let it go. Do not get me wrong and refuse to set boundaries when people meanly overstep or when someone outrightly disrespects you, please address it so it doesn’t repeat itself, but do it in a way that makes them realize that you are not poorly mannered and that maturity is actually a two-way street.

Most of the people who we get angry with are friends, because of something they said that we could have laughed over and thrown a pillow at, something that they just said as a joke because you are both buddies and can be a little extra with each other. But our Ego is often bigger especially when we bring age to the matter or status or level, what’s another word for any of these?

We forget that true friendship is love and love is kind, patient, doesn’t keep grudges and doesn’t hold tight, that love is forgiveness and empathy and it should embody the bedrock of friendship. So, when that friend of yours jokingly says something or does something quite trivial, instead of being angry at the instant or thinking of the multiple ways in which they are hugely wrong, you can calm down and just let out a laugh, trust me it works, it does.

However, when your friends do certain things that hurt you or make you feel unworthy, things you know that crosses boundaries and play on your emotions wrongly, I would love you to let them know and forgive them, I want you to tell them why you feel they shouldn’t joke about some things, why they should respect you in that way. Funny thing is, you may have gotten it all wrong, it could have actually been a harmless joke or a comment that wasn’t thought of, imagine a friend saying he or she cannot eat your chicken sauce because they don’t want to stool all day, and you get mad because you think they meant you don’t cook well or you are quite not hygienic in the kitchen.

What rings in your brain at this time is a couple of things including questions like, why would they say this or have they even tasted my chicken sauce before or what prompted this, is this a let down or jealousy? That’s your mind right there, roaming around in circles, asking questions you don’t have the answer to. Then you flare up and blow it right out.

Did you wonder if they only said that because they just felt you really don’t cook or they have tasted a bit of your pasta and felt it was too spicy or probably the fact that they just wanted to joke, while they watch you brag and laugh while eventually saying; well let me have a taste, you know I am good at giving well deserved credits.

The truth is that its not always so deep in meaning, there are certain things that should be let go off, you cannot always take it too serious, life is really not that complicated, just we humans soiling the world with our plenty expectations from a bunch of imperfect inhabitants. Some quarrels will be avoided when we refuse to take things too seriously, when you say its fine and just move on, then you are the real deal and I should salute you. But will you try that? I hope you do!

My letter to you today is specific, because when we blow things out of proportion, we end up hurting ourselves and the people we love, we say things that shouldn’t be said and we open wounds that last a long time. We can manage our emotions, we can control the button that pinches us to always confront, to always steer up in anger, we can navigate it by ruling our lives through an emotionally intelligent manner.

I would not end without saying that it is a process, it is not something that happens just because you read this newsletter, it is actually not something that can be attained because you read a few books, it is an intentional act and you have to be able to want to go through the process of unlearning and learning, I have grown from my year two, its been quite some couple of years and I must say that I am better each day at dealing with conflicts and little things, I am no longer the person who will get angry and make it so deep. I correct with love and wisdom and send my message of respect in a way that even gains me more respect.

It has been a journey and it still is, because life will throw situations and circumstances that can make you go crazy especially in the form of people, the question is; will you?

In the end, not everything is so deep. Maybe you could let it slide.

Hey dear,
Thank you for reading my newsletter to you, I am super grateful and would love you to share your thoughts about it, I also would definitely love you to hit the like button while you share to your friends.

Its always a nice time with you

Warm Regard
Amanda Sibi