YOU SEE THE RED FLAGS

But You Choose to Ignore it!

Many times, we are fueled by the atmosphere of over-wanting the presence of some people and certain factors in our lives that we forget that they are constantly causing us toxicity, fear, anguish, sadness and pain. Other times, we intentionally live-in denial, and pretend that we have not noticed that these set of people will never applaud, support or show emotional and physical strength to the actualization and subsequent encouragement of our dreams. Sometimes, we allow ourselves to be stuck in fearful, intimidating, agonizing, hurtful, pretentious, emotionally and physically draining relationships all because we have positioned our minds to a future that we are truly scared of but refused to admit, the main issue would be people and what they would have to say about it. So, we see the red flags, staring us right in the face, we know it but choose to ignore it.
It stops today!

Dear Friend, I am particularly happy that I am able to share this with you today, because you deserve the right kind of people around you and sometimes it takes a word, quote, article or self-realization to spot the red flags surrounding your many relationships. While reading this, please understand that this newsletter is geared towards learning together and unlearning ‘not good habits’, we may suffer from friendships and relationships with red flags but also be guilty of showing these same red flags to the people around us.

We have all heard the word red flags surely, maybe a friend used it in a sentence to tell us about someone whom they disassociated from or a relationship they ended. However, for the purpose of this letter, I have summarized it to mean little evident signals that points us to the fact that something is not right with the way a certain person behaves around us, with us, to us, alerting us to take time off or steer clear.

Speaking freely about relationships, I think its always one sided for women to determine the red flags every time, I guess it’s because of the many unrealistic expectations that grace the minds of women, in essence they almost classify non red flags as actual red flags. I once heard someone say that her red flag in a previous relationship was her man not opening the car door for her, to her this proved that he was not romantic and respectful. To other women, gaining immediate access to their man’s phone and password is one way to spot a green or red light, other funny reasons are immediate financial burdens and expenses which they use to confirm if the man is truly for them.

However, I have also heard red flags from men such as their woman not knowing how to cook or not wanting to cook for a ton of friends that she wasn’t told about, or she not doing the laundry. If these are the only problems of a relationship, I guess therapy wouldn’t be so expensive.

Red flags are real, don’t doubt their existence, but sometimes you are stubborn to accept what you have already seen in a person’s pattern, you are not blind to it, you are just looking at it and saying its nothing. What you need to ask yourself is if the behavior and attitude of this person hurts you or affects how you see yourself, does the actions of this person make you feel unloved or uncared for or even intimidated.

Are they unkind and rude to people who offer service to them, do they treat people like animals and defend their actions with crazy perceptions? I heard a story some days ago, this is real life and not some facebook story to get readers to drop an opinion. This lady visited her man to spend the weekend, she had only spent two days and he felt tired, irritated and unhappy. Why? In the course of her very short stay, she had slapped his help, insulted his gateman, pushed a grocery attendant and even called a beggar ‘lazy idiot’ before throwing the sum of 20 naira on him. These ill attitude towards people made him ask her to leave before even spending quality time with her, he had to apologize to his help, and everyone she treated ill just because he felt responsible for her actions. Now this is where he called it quits, because how much more could he take from her, talking to her was obviously not an option because she would throw tantrums of him not defending her and all. He saw the patterns; he detected the little uncouth and disturbing behaviors that were obvious red flags and did not ignore them.

What do you do when you notice the mismanagement of anger in a person you are involved with or friends with, do you let it slide or do you address it and help them work towards controlling their tendencies to be aggressive to you or even others? How do you get someone to listen to you or communicate when they only hear ‘Z’ when you say ‘C’?

Life is full of plenty troubles and hard times to crowd your life with someone who constantly puts you down even in the midst of their friends, someone who belittles your knowledge or talents or makes you feel less important or not even important at all. Having a partner that gaslights you are one of the worst forms of emotional abuse, it is manipulation at its peak, a partner who intentionally twists your every word, feigns ignorance about something they knowingly did or even lies about what they did clearly or said to you in a conversation. You see this sort of things in arguments when they say ‘I never said that’ and you get furious because you know they did and they are just lying about it, someone who makes you feel like you are to blame for something they did, so they start of like; ‘Maybe if you act better, I wouldn’t need to flare up or say something like that’. Most times, insecure people revert back to self-blame when this happens, so they start feeling like maybe they are at fault, maybe they caused the reason for their partners lashing out. But in actual reality, they did nothing.

I always tell people to never be with a partner that is non-supportive or non-interested in whatever you are about, a partner that is not a fan of your hustle, the one that overshadows your daily hustle with another friend of theirs that is doing better. Partners who are lazy only when you mention your job or business. What are you still doing there? Or is it the ones that feel intimidated that you are progressing, the ones that feel they can’t control you if you have money?

Let’s not forget that friendships have red flags too, we see them everyday and just like intimate relationships, we choose to ignore them. I would start with overbearing and disrespecting boundaries, I always talk about telling your friends when they are wrong or doing something that makes you uncomfortable, but in the case where they have vehemently refused to learn or unlearn their behaviors, I think taking time off is healthier for you.

Boundaries exist, but you may be probably careless about them, there are boundaries in every friendship or relationship, please state them and make sure that when a friend crosses it, you tell them with love and correct it immediately. If you don’t, it will definitely lead to series of more disrespect. A long time ago, I know of someone who’s friend got access to her mobile contacts and took the number of a senator that is a friend to her dad without telling her. Now what other form of disrespect and overstepping would you call this?

I am glad that this person immediately set the boundaries and made it clear that the friend had no right to access her phone contacts, let alone take a number without her permission. I mean, what exactly will make you access someone’s phone contact.

Another way you have probably seen red flags from your friends is by their lack of support and interest in your business, talents and hustle. Your friend should be your support system but also an impartial critic, there should always be a balance. If my friends can’t tell me when I am wrong, then why are we friends.

However, it is imperative that you feel their support, that you know you can count on them, the truth is that most people, whether friends or acquaintances will never applaud or support you no matter what you achieve. And that’s a real red flag.

I would now dive straight into friends that constantly try to put you down, make you feel small, downplay your emotions by always saying they have been through something worse and that’s why you should calm down, the truth about downplaying someone else’s emotions is that it is careless and selfish because its not about them at that moment, its about how you are feeling about something that happened and they could as well just sit and comfort you with their presence without speaking. I have found that this helps in moments of grief and not unsolicited speech.

Sometimes having friends that make the friendship all about them can be tiring, if you are going through this with anyone, kindly let them know how you feel, friends who want you to isolate from the world and only be their bestie for life, friends who wish to make you like them, change everything about you and control your actions in the process. These kinds of persons make it all about them, communication with them is not a two-way street, its only about a street named after them, with them, talking about you is fruitless, they just cover it up with something much more important about them.

Another red flag is with persons who can’t say sorry, who can’t accept that they have offended you or did something wrong but try to wear the victim look to convince others that they are the one hurting and not you. They gossip about you and you know it because they have killed people with their mouths, same people they refer to as friends.

Red flags are so real, I am one person who always talks about giving people chances and clarifying issues before taking a decision, but how do you keep people in your life when they only promote others and make you who is constantly in their corner rooting for them, advising them and helping them whenever they need and taking their long calls, look like a ghost. You simply do not exist to the world, no one knows you because they have never talked about you. It’s a red flag whether you like it or not.

The type of people we surround ourselves with matter a lot in the actualization of our growth and the furtherance of our subsequent success. So, remember that you do not necessarily need everyone in your corner to be at peace with all men, you do not need to be angry, bitter or vile towards anyone because you have chosen that they do not deserve a space in your life. You can live your life without these people and still not be bitter towards them.

Not everyone will be close enough to watch you ascend the throne.

Today’s newsletter is a chance for all of us to learn and unlearn, to reflect on our lives, to sieve out the chaff from the wheat, to observe where we have fallen short and correct our mistakes and to start a new phase.

Dear friend, I hope you truly appreciate this letter.

I am constantly rooting for you; may this weekend bring beautiful memories.

I have attached the podcast to this letter, kindly like, comment, share and keep the energy going.

Till next time,

Warm Regards
Amanda Sibi.