Resolving Conflicts; In Marriages

God can save your marriage!

Dear Friend, I know you may or may not be married, but I hope that this letter refreshes your mind, I truly hope that you learn from it and use it today or in the future.

Last weekend I tried my best to share with you some helpful ways in resolving conflicts in a relationship, and it was beautiful to learn and unlearn some of the things that may lead to unresolvable problems in your relationships.

Marriage is a beautiful thing, having a partner that can support, help you, go through life with you is quite awesome, so please disregard the mindset of marriage is a scam or that if anything happens you move.

A lot of people have disregarded or tainted the concept of marriage because they believe that if one party does something, then the other should move immediately, so many people have no intention to forgive or make sacrifices in their marriage. So, they get into marriage with ‘I’ll move if you mess up’. Now, understand this clearly, I am not saying that there are not marriages worth separating from or worth leaving, because there are, the ones that are mind and soul damaging, the ones that involve bodily harm and domestic abuse and the likes. However, I am talking of regular conflicts that come up in marriages, I remember stating in the last two sessions of this topic that conflicts will always occur, whether we like it or not and that’s fact, because we are humans and humans are the most imperfect people ever.

Therefore, always getting it right is not a part of Gods initial plan.

A quick question, who wants a spouse that can’t show their vulnerability?

Dear friend, if your spouse makes a mistake or does something that bothers you, do understand that it is a part of life and must not necessarily be led to arguments. A quick ‘this is how I felt babe’ can sort a lot of things out.

I have always come to realize through various study and research and experience from staying around married people and also living with my parents who were one-time counsellors for pre-marriage couples and couples that lack of communication is the worst enemy for any marriage. What you don’t communicate is like a wound on a leg that wasn’t treated, it keeps decaying and can lead to the total damage of the leg, amputation and even death.

Most couples stop communicating after the first one or two years of the marriage, when a baby joins the equation, its more or less like ‘hey would you send the money for the baby foods and pampers’ and the insignificant reply of ‘yes I will’ and out the husband goes.

Two things here; most times the man is overwhelmed with work and business and life in general, he misses his wife and their romanticizing and all, the wife is super overwhelmed with the home, work, baby needs and care, life generally as a mum (especially when there is no help) and wishes that hubby can applaud her or even recognize her efforts. Something they both want.

Communicating this can be hard you know? Especially with people who just black out and stop talking like friends but instead two people with one goal; make money and fend for the kids.

Another aspect of communication that is quite a problem is reliving each other of doubts, the things our eyes see are sometimes not the truth. Sometimes we see things but our eyes cannot tell us all of it because more confirmation needs to be done. Like that phone call he went into the sitting room to answer or that unregistered number that called her or that colleague from work that he was laughing at her jokes or that former school mate that called her on her birthday and even asked for her bank details.

Sometimes nothing is happening, no one is doing wrong but your words can push the other person to start thinking about things that haven’t crossed their minds before.

I am not however saying that sometimes showing concern isn’t necessary but what I am saying is that communication can solve easy doubts, it can clean up messy thoughts and relive you of all the stress and mind battle you are going through.

Another key issue would be creating time, this world is hard enough and with the bustling and hustling to make money for bills and livelihood, who has time these days? But I guess trying to create time is good, the time spent on social media can be used to catch up on all the things happening in both your lives. Because, most women are angry with their husbands for not always being there, most husbands are tired of their wives for returning from work late and tired, the kids are contributing to the issues by exhibiting some attributes and you both are blaming each other.

Money and Sex have been classified as top reasons why most couples fight, and most times this is true because money problems are quite serious in this world and economy.

So, seriously speaking, making a living is quite difficult nowadays, the bills are crazy and the income is outrageously not enough, the man works his ass off, woman is there to support and sometimes when she isn’t, there is a certain displeasure from the other party. Most times, the woman may even be pissed at the fact that so many bills can’t be paid or that they can’t shop for a new item on their to-do-list. It is crazy but understand that there are times in marriage that the budget is super strict, because there is a goal or probably just finance issues and management era, this doesn’t have to end up with quarrels, working on ways to improve your finances and also save and cut down cost should come into place here.

While other couples suffer money problems, others are suffering from their sex lives and how they no longer entice each other, how they can’t do the needful without the mindset of baby making. If Sex is the problem, dear sweet woman kindly let him know what you need from him, he is your lover man asides this husband thing. Dear awesome man, if sex is the problem, please communicate your needs to her and let her know all the great things you wish to explore with her. Stop holding back from someone you literally wish you hold.

I have seen people wash their dirty linings in public, especially when they have little quarrels and all, they involve third parties and cannot trust themselves to resolve their issues, so the whole compound is the judge, jury and attorney. So sad.
Trust issues about who is calling her or him, why she greeted the attendant that way or why he smiles so much when he sees a particular neighbor. Trust issues about when one person isn’t sure if the other has got their back.

Other reasons will be household chores and I smile while I write this, I may not be married but anyone who knows me understands that I can practically wash my home from top to bottom, I guess its just me. However, sometimes in marriage you don’t get that person who does it like you or does it at all, so this could be a problem for someone who cannot tolerate and work things out amicably. Truth is, I don’t want another me as a husband, we would literally clash, so understanding that you cannot always get the perfect person is key, talking about these things and asking for help in nice and fun ways isn’t so hard. If one party hates chores, please get a help. There is no award for ‘best chore doer’.

I have also decided to state these other reasons, things such as the need for respect and recognition, you may find that most men need the former and most women want the latter. And this causes a lot of problems especially when the marriage is more like a servant master relationship and not a friendship/lover thing. This is because showing respect to your friend and lover comes with adoration and love right? So, it’s not that difficult to give respect and recognition. It is not so difficult to romanticize his ego and calm those nerves because like it or not, men want respect and women want recognition. However, they both deserve these two things.

Lastly for the purpose of stating the issues, lets just conclude with the fact that most couples get into conflict because of the fact that their needs are not being met, the fact that one party has no support from the other, the fact that only one person is doing the marriage thing, the sad fact that their plans no longer align, its about one person, there is definitely a reason why these could lead to conflict.

Dear friend, here are some ways in which you could resolve conflicts in your marriage;

·        It’s going to be fine, so don’t come off as if the problem cannot be resolved

·        Ask God for guidance because sometimes the devil wants to destroy marriages; talk to God about the conflicts you are both having and use the power of the word of God to chase the devil out

·        Take it one at a time, if the conflicts are enormous then you probably want to start with one (please don’t let them pile up)

·        Calm down and reduce the tone of your voice; this is your husband, this is your wife, he or she deserves some love and respect even while you both are having issues

·        Work on yourself even while trying to resolve your conflicts, you may not totally be right and it could be a contributing factor as to why the conflict keeps increasing because the other party may be offended that you haven’t tried to accept your fault.

·        Apply Self-control; Self control can be very helpful in resolving conflicts generally, if you decide to lash out while solving these conflicts with your spouse, then it may burst to something much worse

·        Listen and don’t argue; its quite difficult to just stay mute and keep calm even when the other person is saying things you don’t agree with, like I said in the other letter last week, take a bottle of water and drink from time to time especially when you feel like saying something wrong or when you feel like jumping into his/her word. Waiting for your turn to speak matters a lot and again please calm down

·        Go back to the first day; I know there are fun memories surrounding when you both met and whether its on the particular day or the week or months that followed, there were surely times you felt butterflies in your belly. Think about those moments and see the hate thoughts drift away.

·        Take out unreasonable expectations; sometimes the reason why settling and resolving conflicts with your spouse is difficult goes down to the fact that you have high unreasonable expectations from him or her, stuff that if expected from you, you can’t give. Sometimes these expectations come from listening to third parties who would tell you what and what not to take from your spouse but are doing the total opposite in their homes.

·        Don’t be formal, you live with this person, you share the same room and bed, please talk like adult lovers and friends who just stole each other’s ice-cream.

·        Communicate your emotions, there should always be room for you both to talk even without any conflict

·        Its not going to be easy, whoever said it’s a bed of roses probably lied, but it’s a bed of the kind of flowers you decide to make it. Choose the ones with bright colors, they surely light up the room.

·        Did you leave your shared room and started sleeping somewhere else, oh please go back!  Is that how you used to do?

·        Don’t repeat the things you said you would not do especially the ones you know that makes the other person cry or get tensed over

·        Try your best to hear each other out

·        Don’t bring up the past or something the other person has apologized for already

·        Correct with love and softness

·        Your friends have no business knowing the issues of your marriage, don’t ridicule your spouse in their midst.

·        If its domestic abuse, please take time off

·        Be honest and open, its now about you both, that privacy thing you used to do, when you said ‘I do’ you gave him/her exclusive rights to the privacy. So, when people tell you to keep secrets from your spouse, be careful.

·        Please don’t shout, even generally speaking I have come to understand that shouting solves nothing

·        It’s a conversation, don’t keep mute and make the other person feel like they are talking to a statue.

·        Try Therapy; Even married couples should see an expert when the issues are severe and I don’t mean third parties with experience of spreading the information to other sources, I mean experts who are paid to mentally stabilize people in these situations or even elders in Church that have been granted the permission to counsel couples.

·        Again, tell God and pray together, it is so underrated but tell God together about your problems and tell the Lord to come in ‘together’ It may not be easy at all, but even if its ‘lord please help us resolve our issues’ that could help. It won’t be easy but hey, just try.

Dear friend, I spoke to some few married people who permitted me to share some ways to resolve conflicts in marriage, here are their awesome takes;

One key thing I took from here was; Making effort to understand each other and not assuming but talking about it.

I loved something about this particular one; two people cannot be mad at the same time and resolve your issues without third parties except when highly necessary. Also, marriage is a two-way traffic. Every partner has a role to play and get things working per time.

You see the part where she said; Avoid compounded problems? It struck me so much because compounded problems when escalated lead to much worse situations. Also, avoid playing ignorant to the conflicts happening between you both.

I am so loving the fact that I brought on these beautiful and intelligent women, please re-read all they said. We learn everyday and they have all spoken absolutely well.

Dear friend, no marriage is perfect because you are both imperfect people trying to do life together in an imperfect world. This letter is also not perfect and is not geared towards a verbatim approach, it is quite from my heart to you and yes, the experience of these beautiful women who have shared the many ways to resolve conflicts in marriage.

Again, what works for Mr. and Madam Douglas may not work for Mr. and Madam Grace. This means that following the rules of what works for others isn’t totally what you need, you could use this letter to learn and unlearn the things you have or haven’t been doing well, but you could also try as much as possible to decipher your own way of resolving conflict in your marriage, something that works for you both. It’s typical because you know your spouse and understand this person like no one else, so use it to the advantage of furthering togetherness and peace in your home.

Never do marriage with the mindset of ‘it may work or may not work’ it’s the devil who has made the world believe that marriage cannot work. However, with God it can.

I would love to end on this note, tomorrow is not defined by our magnificent knowledge, wealth or status but by the grace of God to carry on. Marriage in its entirety is not about how you have read all the marriage books or about who attended the most marriage classes, it’s about deciding to do better for each other and let God take the lead.

Dear friend, I must applaud you if you read so far, wow you are awesome.❤️❤️

I hope you enjoyed this series of Resolving Conflicts and I hope you loved this particular one. In few words, how best did you love the series and what is your take home point?

I have attached the beautiful podcast to this letter. Kindly hit the like button, share and comment.

To; Cassie, Ify and Joy; Thanks for supporting this part of the series. You have blessed lives.

Till Next Time

Warm Regards
Amanda Sibi.