Resolving Conflicts

With Friends

Over the years, I have come to hate confrontation or rancor or anything that gives me sleepless night over someone else, especially if it’s someone that I regard. This is usually because I would never want to stop being comfortable around such person due to what may have transpired from our lack of zeal to control our indifferences and anger.

Sometimes, I have found that resolving conflicts can be much easier a way to avoid negative confrontation, but I don’t mean that confrontation won’t occur, only that when it does, we have it at the back of our minds that we are not going to war with the other person.

Dear Friend, I have decided to write to you today on ways to resolve conflicts with friends, and talk about resolving conflicts in marriage and relationship subsequently in the two weeks to come. I guess we all have some new learning in for us and I am ready to share these with you.

One of the first things about escalating conflicts is the fact that it wasn’t controlled, the premise that the two people or more involved came with anger in their minds, they refused to see what the other person is saying and hence failed to come to a resolve. I have heard some people say that they would confront someone who said something about them or did something to them and while they say this, I could only imagine their temper being used as boiling water to take off chicken feather, the skin would definitely fall off too.

So, sometimes I wonder how we intend to solve conflicts with our friends when we already set our minds ready for battle, ready to not listen to what the other person has to say, ready to misinterpret their words, ready to shout and not talk, ready to glare with hate and not correct with love.

Conflicts are serious disagreements and clash of interests, opinions and even principles between people who come in contact with one another.

In today’s letter friends, I have laid down this simple and easy definition because I want you to understand that most times it is about the way the other person was raised, it is about their own perspective that contradicts yours but which you can tolerate if you calm down and understand why they think that way or behave in such a way.

Excuse me, I am not making excuses for friends with attitude issues or the ones who are purposely nasty and silly, the ones who try to make sensitive comments around you all the time knowingly, the ones who do not respect your boundaries and want to pull you down at every chance they get. They are not the focus of this letter.

My focus is on your real friends who would hurt you without even knowing it, the ones who will do things or say things that you don’t like, the friends who have cultural views that you are not in support of and feel attacked or pissed whenever they promote it, the ones who to you have funny perspectives, those friends of yours who can be annoying with the way they handle things, the ones who will do things that you don’t like whether in public or otherwise.

Let me take you back to the other paragraph where I talked of the friends who are not the focus of this letter, yes, I know I may have ruled them off this letter because sincerely they do not fit into the context of what I want you to grab, but I want you to also know that whatever indifference or existing feud you may have with them also needs to be resolved and this doesn’t mean that the friendship must go back to all laughter and chit-chats. However, it is to make you know that sometimes leaving matters like this unresolved can lead to tension and unforgiveness. So, try to resolve these indifferences but understand that you must not eat with them again.

Now back to our matter, the main people I want you to resolve your issues with, I feel it is good for your nerves if you let the people around you who you call friends know that they have offended you and that you wish for you both to work things out and resolve it amicably.

I have therefore listed below ways in which you can resolve your conflicts presently or help you with future conflicts between you and your friends.

·        Never reach out in the moment of anger, you can reach out but do so in a calm state where your feelings are not all over the place

·        Tone down your voice, the pitch matters if it’s a phone conversation or a physical conservation, you don’t want to come off as if you are raising your voice or shouting.

·        Always apply self-control, the truth is that you shouldn’t voice every thing and only emotional intelligence can help you control what to say in situations like this, things you won’t regret.

·        Never knowingly disrespect the other person in the course of talking things out

·        There is obviously an issue at hand, but it’s not only your knowledge that can solve it, sometimes when you try to be the one who says everything in the discussion, you give room for more disdain, because the other person will think “it’s never been in his/her nature to allow someone else talk”

·        I know you are pissed or angry but can you also put the feelings of the other person into consideration?

·        Learn each other’s perspective and use it to resolve the issues you both have with each other

·        Don’t be too formal, besides this is your friend

·        Don’t come with war, dear friend please bury your soldier uniform before reaching out or entertaining any conflict resolution dialogue with your friends

·        You can take the first step; it will never make you a coward

·        Never bring up the past of which they have apologized for, if it is a past issue, bringing it up will mean you didn’t forget or forgive, so let it slide.

·        Keep an open mind, you may also be not a 100% correct. I mean, no one is perfect

·        Please watch your words, be careful with the words you use, understand that you are still talking to a friend.

·        Avoid one-word conversations, make sentences and not phrases

·        State your indifference with love

·        Correct with love

·        Give room for emotions

·        Be ready to take some time off to cool down or think things over

·        Understand that even though the friendship may or may not come back to the exact way it was previously? You have resolved a huge problem and can now sleep without overthinking about what was said and what wasn’t.

Dear friend, I have come to understand that most friendship conflicts that follow these steps come back much stronger and beautiful, because then, everyone knows the other person’s personality, what they like or dislike.

I would also love to say that asking God to purify your heart against hate is the most necessary step to take, this is because God is the master of love, he sent his only son to die for you and me even when we were yet sinners, most times it is so beautiful to see how God does not hate us but love us more deeply even when we are not in our best behavior. That’s God and he is just who he is.

I want you to redefine your friendships today, I want you to call the people you are bitter with, your friends who you love and ask them for a time when they can be free to talk. You can start with these words;

Hey Bi*****, how are you doing, hope you are doing great, would want to discuss something with you, please let me know when you are free and calm to talk. (End with a soft emoji).

When you do this, please remember that you are not the coward, you are not the stupid one, you are not less of yourself, rather you are one of the most emotionally intelligent persons I will ever be associated with.

Conflicts are a usual part of life, how we handle them reflects on how our future friendships and relationships will thrive.

It is peaceful to know that you do not carry someone in your heart. It is peaceful dear friend.

I have attached the podcast version of this podcast to this letter, I think I spoke more and you should listen. Do keep the energy going by hitting the like button, sharing and commenting on how this letter appealed to you.

Also get ready for PART 2; Resolving Conflicts; Intimate Relationships

Till next time,

Warm Regards
Amanda Sibi.