How to know and deal with competitive friends

It can be quite difficult to love and be happy or comfortable with a friend who is constantly out to outshine you, compete with you or prove that they are better than you. While healthy competitions between friends exists, there are tons of negative and unhealthy competition out there that can create a toxic relationship in your friendships. The downside; a frenemy is born.

Dear friend, I trust you are doing great today and I hope you have an amazing weekend, I also hope you get something valuable from this letter.

It is beautiful to know that there are great truthful friendships, and I mean it when I say that these sorts of friendships exist, the ones that love you like a sister or brother or more, that see no need to compete or get jealous, the ones that always want you to look your best, do the best, get the best, root for you and support you. The ones that can go the extra mile to help you, the ones that have shown support during good and bad times. They exist, if you have them in your corner, please ask them today;

‘How are you, my friend? I cherish and love how you have helped me in countless ways, I may not say it enough but you are beautiful and deserve the best’.

One of the major reasons for competition between friends is insecurities and fear that the other person is better, that’s when it starts breeding. However, I have come to understand through what God teaches that we should love others more and wish others well even as much as we love ourselves or even more. So, with this mentality, thinking of who is better or best isn’t quite the thought that can crowd a head like mine. Rather, accepting that the other person is great, the best at what they do (even if you both do the same business, because the world is too big to not accommodate you both). I once saw a post by a makeup artist who is very good at her job, trust me, this lady knows her onions, but in this case, she was the muse and someone else was doing the makeup, turns out it’s her best friend, she tagged her and wrote the most beautiful caption ‘Baddest Makeup Artist I know’ Please patronize my friend if you are around the island. I was wowed, more wowed was I when I checked her bio on her Instagram page, only to find that she is also located in Lekki.

Good God, bless that friendship.

Now to the matter, it is quite possible for you to be the one that’s starting the competition, we learn everyday to drop some ill attitudes and that’s why its not even wrong to notice that you are getting out of line and talk yourself to order. Like when you start comparing yourself to your friend(s) or when you no longer feel happy that they are succeeding. In this moment, taking time to breathe in the good memories of the friendship can help in removing the wrong thoughts that the devil is pushing you to believe or do.

I have seen instances where most friends are in unhealthy competition with each other and they don’t even know it, they just fall into that part where everything is a competition, like taking it back to primary school where everyone wanted the first position title.

These things ought not to be so because friendship is meant to be beautiful, fun, uplifting and not some world cup affair. Someone once asked me how she could know that her friend is in competition with her, now this is not about gender, everyone can be faced with competition, both male and female and this is normal.

One of the main ways to know is by listening to conversations carefully between you and your friend, not with intent to bring something out of nothing, because honestly some people see stuff where there is nothing. However, if you find that your friend is always trying to play the ‘I am better than you game’, if sabotaging your efforts is something they do always, especially when you are trying to do something new, most times if they make you feel like you are wasting your time or make you feel that what you are trying to do is too big for you, then you need to watch it.

Another way is when you are not succeeding and they have absolutely no problem with it, they like it that way. Someone once told me that he had to distance himself from a friend, when he was denied visa to travel out of the country for work. He told his friend and the reply he got was ‘really? Okay, its all good’ and his friend changed the subject immediately.

This is funny because what is all good about someone being denied visa? It is insensitive to even give such a reply when someone you claim to care about looses such an opportunity, I guess the more appropriate reply would have been ‘oh my, I am so sorry man, wow, I don’t even know how you feel now, what was their reason’. Its quite simple and easy to care you know, to show support even when you are trying not to make the other person feel worse, especially when that person came to you with their issues, not like you just decided to make an unsolicited statement.

You can find these traits in friends who rarely celebrate your success, or the good things happening around you but are quick to remind you of what you don’t have, haven’t achieved, are lacking or the many problems you have. This can be bothersome because not everyone wants to be reminded of their issues or even things in their lives that are not perfect. So, having someone who always reminds you of such things can be a way to discovering that they are quite comfortable that you are going through what you are going through. And it’s a big sign of competition, why? Because they simply want you to be in the same level, without upgrade, without advancement, they are cool with you always wailing about your problems.

I think loving and caring comes with support and I darn the day I would not be happy that my friends are succeeding, I would blow the trumpets so loud, because their victory is also mine and it means my corner is blessed. This is what most people fail to understand and I hope they can find their way to this letter and unlearn.

Another way is noticing that they copy everything you do, copy what you did that someone else commended you for, they want to look like you, be like you, talk like you, dress like you, do the things you do and the lots more. Funny enough, its not wrong for your friend to want to do certain things like you, besides it’s a friendship and one person would surely get attracted to the others personality one way or the other, its also not bad to be in the same business or job. Sincerely, I have friends who teach their friends skills that can help them earn money like them, because you see this money? We can’t have it all to ourselves, even the richest man on earth doesn’t. However, when its excessive in nature, when it becomes obsessive that they almost replicate what you do without commendation or even the slightest courtesy of ‘inspired by Fola’ then maybe you may need to sit back and ask yourself if you both are still in primary school.

Some people are competitive by nature and that’s just it, overly desirous to outshine others wherever they go, but this is something I am fully aware that can be reduced by learning new things and dumping old ill attitudes.

Another way is when this person discourages you from doing something and goes ahead to do it, this is quite painful, I have seen this end bad for most people because it turns into bitterness and heavy grudges, I once heard of two roommates who lived together, were friends and the other one said ‘oh I would like to really become Miss Sunset University (I can’t mention the name of the school, but Sunset sounds cool) then the other one discouraged her and said, ‘hmmm, you will be wasting your time, they only give the winner to who sleeps with the main judge and it’s just connection, don’t go for it, besides you cant win it’. The other friend, discouraged then backed out and moved on. Only for the D Day to come and guess what? The roommate who was busy discouraging her from contesting was part of the contestants and she won! The other friend couldn’t believe it, she pretended to be fine with it and went on to exact the most severe judgment on her ever, the winner was later expelled from the university and the other friend had supposedly gotten her revenge. I do not agree with her exacting judgement or revenge, this thing is for God, but maybe if she asked her friend why she did that to her, things wouldn’t have gone so rusty. Well, not everyone can deal.

You may also know competitive friends by how overly curious they are, curiosity they say kills the cat, but here curiosity feeds the competitive friend with more information of how they can outshine you and be better or one step ahead. My sister was telling me of someone who was being bugged by her friend about what she was up to, how she had become scarce and all. Now, there is nothing bad in checking up, that is a key part of good friendship but not when the information is for something wrong or to fulfill the curiosity of ‘I knew that all is not well’. So, back to the story, she told her friend after much persuasion that she was trying to open her beauty parlor, shared the ideas she had, told her what stage she was in, then the friend started talking about how the idea had been in her head too, that she would also get to open hers, all of this a phone conversation so getting proof was quite hard when it escalated, but guess what? Dear friend went on after about two days to print up her fliers and post a ‘coming soon, one of my plenty businesses that would soon see the light of the day’, soliciting for investors on her page, when they both had mutual friends. Her friend didn’t see this post unfortunately and launched hers after some days, only for people to start chatting her up that what is going on, your friend posted this some days ago, why did you steal her idea. She was surprised.

Now what I found here is that, it is quite very wrong and insensitive to always play the ‘me too card’ when a friend tells you they are about doing something or recently got something or got a job or new deal or business. That phrase ‘oh, me too’ is uncalled for and can lead to taking away the shine of the other person. The need to validate that they not having what the other person has or that what they are currently attaining is not special is totally unnecessary.

 Except in the case where theirs is almost ready too, they can easily say ‘Wow, can you believe I have purchased all the products for this same business, wow. Didn’t know we are doing the same thing, but don’t worry, I guess we now need to push in every support we can muster to help each other succeed, where’s yours located?

Now in this case, it’s neither anyone’s fault that you both are doing the same thing but when it looks really like the other person is trying to compete is when they don’t even have anything started but just want you to know that ‘you ain’t the only one who can do this, I can too’.

Friendship is meant to be loved, all these things rid it of its beauty, and its sad to see that competition can lead to jealousy and trust me, jealousy can kill.

However, here are some ways I have come up with to help you deal with competitive friends;

·        Firstly, don’t ignore the signs, because the unhealthy competition can lead to toxicity

·        You should also try to approach the situation with a careful manner and not with the need to negatively confront and quarrel

·        You should ask your friend when they have time to talk, seek out for when they are in a good mood and talk about how you feel

·        Please be calm about it and don’t come off as ‘I know you want to be like me, you copy me, you compete, it getting out of hand….’ If you do, you are both the same. Instead starting by saying ‘Hey babe or How far my guy, truthfully, you have been there for me and we have been friends for a long time, I didn’t want to think much about it but for some reason it seems there is this sort of competition between us, then go off to list some instances and end with, our friendship is a beautiful one and honestly I just felt the need to say this because I value what we have’. I guess this should go a long way to making the other person feel like you didn’t come for a fight.

·        Don’t attack with hate words, it is not the time to start shouting or using harsh words. Please he or she is still your friend.

·        Try and focus on the goal, which is redefining what you both have and ending this competitive nature that is killing the good vibe

·        You can also deal with competitiveness by giving praise when due, most times it may be as a result of your bragging and boasting that has made the other person feel worthless and hence, feel the need to compete.

·        You can also try your best to offer support from time to time, change the narrative, change the story and headline and make it about them, about how awesome they are doing, how beautiful and great they are and maybe they may shift their focus from the competition and start feeling good about themselves.

·        Also try to highlight their finer points.

·        Establish boundaries; this is quite not like making yourself unapproachable, it is definitely not the solution but with boundaries there are certain things that your friend cannot do or say or imply around you because they will get to understand that you have boundaries too. This can change their perspective and reduce their zeal to just be better than you.

·        Pray for them; praying helps and it’s not cliché to pray for your friends, seriously do pray for the people you care about, pray that God penetrates their soul with love and cleansing, because if love saturates their hearts, competing with you would be a forgotten issue.

·        Create space; most times you both need to take time off and re-evaluate your friendships

·        Listen to them too, hear what they have to say and make your conclusions after you have dissected it carefully

·        Don’t label them or profile them, don’t tell them that’s this is the reason why their relationships don’t work.

·        Understand that the friendship may not go on and its typically fine. Not everyone will be okay or will accept their wrong and change. Sometimes some people don’t even know that they are competing heavily with their friends, so when you tell them, they feel attacked.

·        Finally, I would say be honest about how this competition makes you feel about the friendship.

Dear friend, today’s letter is also interesting to me and I must say that I have also learnt a lot from my own writings. Friendship is a great thing, it brings out the best in people, especially friendships with vision, it makes you both see the strengths and weaknesses of each other and fathom ways to help each other to become better in life.

I have seen friends who co-own businesses together, I have seen friends do awesome things together, the devil knows that God loves friendship so he wants to soil it by all means necessary. Don’t let him win.

Friendship should never be an ocean of competition, neither should it be a way to show the world that you are better off than the other person. Rather, it should be a means to encourage, love, protect, pray, care and uplift one another.

Dear friend, I am here in your corner and with this letter, I am always rooting for you.

Kindly hit the like button, share and comment on this letter.

Till Next Time,

Warm Regards

Amanda Sibi.